Turn, Turn, Turn

That's what I'm thinking today...in two ways--the song by the Byrds:

"there is a season (turn, turn, turn)

and a time to ever purpose under heaven"

The other way I'm thinking is like an ocean tide.... "turn... please turn!!" I guess it means that life is a bit of a mental/emotional whirlpool right now.

So, my BiPolar is definately hitting me hard at this point. I've sat here and typed and retyped stuff to blog about, not wanting to seem crazy or depressed or offensive, but.... "meh"

Divorce has been an incredible release and prison for me at the same time. Release from a marriage that struggled from the beginning but prisoner to a lonely lifestyle, one lacking that comfort and 'history' with anyone. Release from feeling put-down, abused, insignificant and insufficient. Prisoner to an unsatisfied desire to feel "good enough", important and special. Release from a lifestyle where I felt I had no choice, no way to progress. Prisoner of a desk, a cage set too far away from my babies, my two reasons for everything I am and have and want to be...

If there has been one important thing I've learned from my entire life, I could sum it up with this: Life is about choices. Every moment of every day we choose how it turns out.

I like to think that I'm a strong person. I'm not. But I have moments when I choose to be strong, to feel strength, to feel in control. I think, if more of us would step back from everything, we would realize the empowering revelation it is to see that every.single.moment. is up to us. Up to me. It doesn't feel like it. And usually, I don't want it to be up to me. I want someone else making the tough decisions, the tough choices, carving the tough paths through the brambles of life....but there's only me.

Luckily, I have One teammate. And One coach. One cheerleader. One fan I can count on, encouraging me from the sidelines...He's all of those things to me, even when my hands are over my ears, barelling my head through the bushes, falling, desperate to break through, screaming to myself "i can do it, i CAN do it"-even then, when the last thing I want to admit, or even think--when I know i CAN'T do it-He is there. Cheering, applauding, reminding me to "GET UP", dragging me with him...

I want to win, I want to break through...but I alone...well, I can't. And it's okay.

Spring is Springing!

Speaking of Spring! Yesterday was the first day we've actually been able to play at the park in my apartments. It was a beautiful day and someone was having a barbeque at the covered picnic area, which i thought was pretty cool. I had drawn on the kids faces earlier that morning, a Superman symbol for Jack and a Rainbow for Ro, w/a heart on her nose. She was feeling under the weather, and just laid on the bench with T. It's not like her, but at least she was out in the sun. Jack commandeered a ball and kicked it around with me-I think he's got some good soccer potential, I was amazed at how well he followed the ball around! And why is it that pea gravel always inspires throwing in kids???

Away from Spring

Bleak and chill the drops of ice sway, bending black branches below the falling sun and firey cold. The winter wind loses grip on unleashed fury and the ever-changing sun sets. Transformation begins, violent, encompassing flames of days rebirth, the loving sounds of glistening flora and open, breathing buds. Life returns, lashing fields of ochre with celadon sprays, graceful trees, shivering beneath blossoms heavy-laden. A truth renewed, reborn with Natures wooly cap shorn anew. Glistening strands and silken streams rejoice. The laughter rings across a meadow, at once melancholy, dark and chivalrous, Cold bows. Trailing dewy webs and sweetened, heady blooms, a Season reclaims her throne.

My therapist asked me what kinds of things I do to nurture myself, things just for me..... I couldn't think of them-what makes me happy? Well, i mean, first I said my kids but she said she wanted to know what kinds of things, activities, etc-aside from being a mom, make me feel loved, nurtured, cared for, etc. Well, so the difficulty I have is defining "happy". like, shopping makes me happy. but is that superficial? eating makes me happy. but is that healthy? sleeping makes me happy. but is that normal?