Turn, Turn, Turn

That's what I'm thinking today...in two ways--the song by the Byrds:

"there is a season (turn, turn, turn)

and a time to ever purpose under heaven"

The other way I'm thinking is like an ocean tide.... "turn... please turn!!" I guess it means that life is a bit of a mental/emotional whirlpool right now.

So, my BiPolar is definately hitting me hard at this point. I've sat here and typed and retyped stuff to blog about, not wanting to seem crazy or depressed or offensive, but.... "meh"

Divorce has been an incredible release and prison for me at the same time. Release from a marriage that struggled from the beginning but prisoner to a lonely lifestyle, one lacking that comfort and 'history' with anyone. Release from feeling put-down, abused, insignificant and insufficient. Prisoner to an unsatisfied desire to feel "good enough", important and special. Release from a lifestyle where I felt I had no choice, no way to progress. Prisoner of a desk, a cage set too far away from my babies, my two reasons for everything I am and have and want to be...

If there has been one important thing I've learned from my entire life, I could sum it up with this: Life is about choices. Every moment of every day we choose how it turns out.

I like to think that I'm a strong person. I'm not. But I have moments when I choose to be strong, to feel strength, to feel in control. I think, if more of us would step back from everything, we would realize the empowering revelation it is to see that every.single.moment. is up to us. Up to me. It doesn't feel like it. And usually, I don't want it to be up to me. I want someone else making the tough decisions, the tough choices, carving the tough paths through the brambles of life....but there's only me.

Luckily, I have One teammate. And One coach. One cheerleader. One fan I can count on, encouraging me from the sidelines...He's all of those things to me, even when my hands are over my ears, barelling my head through the bushes, falling, desperate to break through, screaming to myself "i can do it, i CAN do it"-even then, when the last thing I want to admit, or even think--when I know i CAN'T do it-He is there. Cheering, applauding, reminding me to "GET UP", dragging me with him...

I want to win, I want to break through...but I alone...well, I can't. And it's okay.