Sugar & Spice...

"Ring around the Rosie, a pocket full of posies" Has it really been almost five years? How well I remember the day you came into our life! Always one to make an entrance, your birth was no exception! How blessed am I to be your mother, your best buddy and how grateful I am when you tell me that "even when I'm a mama, you can still call me your baby"....

Always inventing and imagining, whether you're a princess or a kitty, rowing a boat around the living room, or racing like a cheetah with Jack & Zander-your ideas and creativity never cease to amaze me!

The smartest kid I've ever met-and I'm not just saying that cause I'm your mom! You've been writing for well over a year...in fact, I have a picture of you at 17 months, sprawled on your tummy with a scrap of paper and pen in your hand, scribbling your "yist" (list)--you've always had the most amazing artistic skills and every day I'm impressed and amazed at your growing ability to express yourself, whether telling me I'm wierd, thanking me for 'such a nice dinner', writing grandma a letter and sounding out the words as you write them or drawing amazing pictures of pegasus and spiderman.

You have a tender heart, wrapped in a tough little kid. Always everyone's best friend and the first out on the playground, you have such a desire to have fun. The protective big sister, you watch out for your little brothers and you're never shy. Eager to discuss important issues, like why foxes have such bushy tails, why dinosaurs turned into fossils, you are good at telling me how you feel inside. I hope and pray you never ever lose that desire-I LOVE to hear what's in your heart!

As I look back at how my life has changed because of you, I am so thankful to Heavenly Father for a little girl like you-wise and genuine, smart and spiritual at a young age. You have taught me so much about patience, love, prayer and my heart. You really will always be my baby, even though the passing years show me how un-like a baby you are anymore. A bittersweet trade-off, I will never forget the chubby little strawberry blonde cherub in a pile of cheerios you dumped in the living room, your fist in your mouth and your other arm stuffed inside the box! I will always miss you needing me for little things, but I love watching your independence blossom. You will be an amazing woman, I can see it in your spirit and strength, your determined face and loving heart. You're my best girl and Mama loves you RoRo...Happy Birthday Tater! :)

Birfday Reminiscing

Jack will be 3 on Thursday, complete with football unnerwears, wirey legs and arms and a not-so-chubby-anymore boy tummy :( He's obssessed with superhero's-the black AND red and blue "Piderman", Superman, Batman, Gateboards, his "fast socks" (socks with racing stripes on them), racecars, mogercycles, buitars, drumming and singing.

He's very cuddly and loves his mama (I think) the best ;) He is very sensitive and sweet, he loves to laugh and tickle and wrestle. He's not really gotten into the terrible twos or even threes yet, the only issue we've really had has been his secret desire to be a baby again...which makes sense, under the circumstances-he wants to be held a lot. He loves his "old blanket", but at night wants to cuddle under his "tripey blanket", a fluffy comforter with stripes. He speaks very clearly, aside from cutting off any "s's" that start a word-hence the 'piderman, tripey blanket, gateboards, etc.

I see my little son as such an individual. So different from his sister, from his mom and dad...I think he has immense potential to be a leader, a gentle little soul and intelligent and thoughtful friend. I pray that he retains that sweet nature, tempered of course by rambuncious boy traits, such as athleticism and a silly sense of humor (which he already has--you should see him with a soccer ball!!). I love his fluffy eyelashes and pretended bashful nature, the way he secretly looks up to his big sister and tries to outdo her in everything, and at the end of the day, comes to me with his little arms outstretched for a cuddle with his 'old blanket'. I hope he never changes and while I miss the little toddler he was, I love and adore the little boy he's growing into.

Mama loves you Jackie Boy!! Happy Birfday Sonny! :)

"As I have loved you..."

What makes a friendship? Is it time? Common Interests? Is it sharing personality traits? Trust? Love?
I'm in a more stable place in my life right now, and I'm looking around, realizing that other people, people I love and care about-maybe even strangers on the street, don't share my feelings on friendship. Maybe my feelings are wrong. I'm entitled to think they're pretty accurate, tho that's just my opinion...

To me, as cliche and lovey-dovey as it sounds, anyone can be your friend. And by this I mean that each of us deserves to be served, loved. We're also obligated to serve others. And I guess I look at friendship that way. Friendship is the realization of the fact that we're all human, all children of a Heavenly Father and all put here on earth for the same overall purpose-to love each other. That's it. Simple! So, basically, we're here--our JOB here, our requirement--the only thing He asks of us, is that-to be friends.

I don't have to know someone for years to want to help them out. I don't have to agree with them about politics or religion to see their struggles and feel the desire to serve. I don't even have to enjoy spending a lot of time around them to love them! I think my job is to see them for what and who they are--people. Human beings, spiritually made and driven, just like me. To remember that each and every one of us comes into and goes out of this world alone and that every time I show love to someone, I'm doing what I can to help them not feel alone. That, to me, is friendship.

Go make a friend today.

Happy Late Mothers Day

Sunday morning...Mothers Day. The day everyone celebrates and cherishes and pampers their mom, the day they acknowledge all her hard work and effort, the day she languishes in bed, pampered by a flowered tray carrying delicious heart-shaped pancakes and fresh squeezed orange juice-when cards, gifts and little surprises await...right?









"Mom! Jack is getting into medicine!!!"



I leap from my comfortable sleep, barely coherent to rush into the dining room and find, scattered down the hall and in front of the couch, mom's "medicine", which is, thankfully IceBreakers wintergreen mints.

"Phew!" I think, thanking Rosie for being such a great big sis and gathering the remains of my breath fresheners.



A spot...more like a dribble...catches my eye...coming out of my refrigerator and i turn, only to

audibly *gasp!*


"What happened???"

"I didn't do it mom, Jack did it this time, with the stool!"

"Jack!?!!! Did you make this mess!!!???"

"yeeeah I maked a meth wif ur eggs"

"jack, you did it?!" (Im sure Rosie was as shocked as I was, and tho I can't confirm it, I could have sworn I saw a look of pride in her eyes, surveying her protege's early morning project)



Still holding my mints, I wander, bewildered into the kitchen and open the fridge..bright green ooze trailed the veggie drawer and into the fan grates and down onto the tile....I look over at my little son, his diaper-clad self gazing adoringly at me, green mustache and all.



"I maked gween moovee (smoothie) for yuh!"



I turn back to blankly stare at the scene...the aforementioned stepstool moved close to the counter, littered with crumbled white shells and slime I guessed to be egg white...the egg carton empty of eggs...my 400 dollar blender, half full of eggs, shells and what I'm guessing is my "mooovee" and yolky footprints leading to the culprit, bewildered and excited at the reaction from the mama who, just last night, he had asked to "quish" him "yike a pam cake"before bedtime...

(discouraged sigh),

"oh Jack...I love you"

"Yuv too mama"



...it's the thought that counts right?

Today I climbed a mountain...

So yesterday, got together with a friend and thought we'd head out to Provo Canyon. I've recently been exploring the idea that I could possibly be a 'nature girl' but that I really hadn't taken the time to find out. So, part of my excitement for spring was to be able to figure out how well old Mother Nature and I get along. Surprisingly, I think we can be friends!

Standing at the base of Bridal Veil Falls, I thought "well. now is as good a time as any, right?" and i said "let's do it". We got to the middle and looked down...the ascent wasn't nearly as stressful as the descent looked like it would be...but the top looked so close! Too close to give up on, honestly. How would I feel looking back, seeing the top and realizing it would have only taken a precious few more steps to sit at the top, on a rock outcropping about 3000 feet above the ground? Well, I won't ever know, because I DID get to the top. And it was pretty frigging amazing.

As I sat there, looking down, I had a revelation. Right there, at the moment I was sitting on the top of a mountain, I felt awesome-powerful, strong, re-energized, optimistic. Which is how we feel, when we conquer problems-those mountains of life, the ones that are disguised as molehills (or wait, is it the other way around?), the stumbling blocks that bring us crashing to the ground, etc. When we conquer those, life is good. It's climbing back down the mountain that is scary. Getting back on the ground, back to real-life. That's the real challenge. Taking that energy, optimism and willingness to work, climb and sweat for what we want in life-that is the scary sight we often see awaiting us at the bottom.

So. I took a rock from Bridal Veil. It's pretty big, considering I had to climb back down the way-slipperier-than-it-looked-or-felt slope. But I purposely chose a big one because I have a tendency to toss out memoirs-not things from my kids, but things I pick up that I think might be good to remind me of certain activities, experiences. But too often those things are small and get lost among the shuffle of daily life and i find myself with a pile of movie tickets, rocks, pieces of fabric or ribbon or cards that really....well add to the clutter of my life. A big black rock with a solid strip of quartz on the bottom isn't gonna get tossed as easily. And I'll remember. The biggest mountains we face are the ones at the bottom of the slope. Whether going up, OR coming down.

Yes. Spring made it. Fashionably late and ready to leave at the drop of a hat, as always here in Utah. :/

Text Driving

The new Samsung High Note:

"your world in harmony
There’s a good reason the SAMSUNG Highnote™ has a unique dual slider design. Two reasons, in fact – twin stereo speakers. Slide the face of the Highnote down, and there are the speakers. Slide the face of the Highnote up, and there’s the keypad. And if you don’t slide it at all, you can listen to a great MP3 player with exterior controls and a standard 3.5 mm stereo headset jack. With this phone, music lovers can start (or finish) any day on a Highnote."

My last phone, the Sony Ericsson Walkman--okay it sucked. That's all there is to it. Sure, it was pink and it was a slider, but yeah. It was a piece of you know what. Not the highnote. :)

It's kinda funny because I never thought I'd be one of "those" girls-the ones who are all stoked about the cool new phone that plays music and has GPS AND!!! (the coolest part) reads my texts out loud when I'm driving...because I'm a notorious text-driver and have luckily avoided many accidents due to my lightening quick reflexes...now I can put those reflexes back in the closet, since all I have to do is listen-and the lovely, robotic voice says "text from uh-man-duh hell-o how are you?" lol it's hard to describe what it sounds like but it's still pretty dang awesome.

Rainy day fun...

Well, a pretty quiet, drowsy, playdough and movie filled day.

After a week full of vomit, I'm okay with that...yep, some sort of bug ran through my kids...and by ran through I really mean out, in the form of projectile fruit smoothies, brown rice and raisins....among other gems. I'm pretty sure I washed 3 different outfits of mine in one night...ah, but that's a mom's job. I'm glad I had them, lol. On the first healthy morning, I was passed out on the couch after sitting up very late, listening for the tell tale moan from the bedroom, where the bucket on the floor was stubbornly avoided. As the grey dawn peeped through the sliding glass door, I heard scrunchy diaper-clad and sleepy footie jamma'd shuffles down the hall-i peeked my eye open to see Rosie, against looking around the corner, her brother behind her and trailing his blanket...she whispered "there she is jack......... *dramatic gasp* isn't she beauuuuudaful?" "yah mama sweepin" was the answer.....

it was pretty sweet...there's kinda nothing better than waking up to warm snuggly bodies, piled on top of you after a night of being a mom. lol.

Last night when I was putting Jack to bed he asked me to "quish" him--for some reason, since he was pretty little, he likes to be "quished", meaning he likes you to pretend to lay on him and squish him...well last night I obliged and he laughed and said "you quish me like a pay DOH!" :)

i love pay DOH.

Okay, now I know everyone thinks their kids are gorgeous....but really....well, I won't finish my sentance, but you get the idea. These are just a couple candids my friend Joel shot, while we were running around a park, doing a sort of practice "shoot" for the ones that will be coming up. I'll keep you posted! :)

Tulips and Butterflies

"when you're weary, feelin small, when tears are in your eyes, i will dry them all.... i'm on your side, oh when times get rough and friends just can't be found, like a bridge over troubled water i will lay me down"

I hope no one is ever annoyed or offended at my lack of punctuation/capitalization.

So, sometimes life gives you "tulips and butterflies". When I talk to Rosie on the phone, no matter where she is, she always says

"hey, hey mama-you know what would be a good idea? (i deeeaaa?) maybe you could catch me a butterfly or bring me some more tulips-waddyou think about that, because you know I love flowers huh?"

Honestly, it's been her theme since the seperation. It always makes me happy to listen to her chirp on about how much she loves me and loves flowers and butterflies. It's kind of a lifesaver to me, to hear that reminder of how I'm doing as a mom, how she's doing as a little girl, etc. So sometimes that's what happiness means to me--tulips and butterflies.

This morning, when I dropped them both off at their new preschool/daycare place, they ran down to the playroom. As i was leaving, i stepped down to kiss them and saw Jack, standing in front of a toy kitchen with a fake bottle of ketchup and a fake pickle. He turned and, with the most joyful face said, "mama, i good boy, i cookin!" Now the thing to know about JackieBoy is that he has the cutest voice ever--it's very innocent and he uses a lot of voice inflection--so everything comes out sounding super exciting. "i GOOD boy, i COOKin!"

Tonight we'll be off to the Sunflower Market to buy Kale, spinach and maybe (barf) chard/collards for our green smoothies. If you've never heard of them, I encourage you to check out greensmoothiegirl.com

You won't regret it, if you're open minded.

Turn, Turn, Turn

That's what I'm thinking today...in two ways--the song by the Byrds:

"there is a season (turn, turn, turn)

and a time to ever purpose under heaven"

The other way I'm thinking is like an ocean tide.... "turn... please turn!!" I guess it means that life is a bit of a mental/emotional whirlpool right now.

So, my BiPolar is definately hitting me hard at this point. I've sat here and typed and retyped stuff to blog about, not wanting to seem crazy or depressed or offensive, but.... "meh"

Divorce has been an incredible release and prison for me at the same time. Release from a marriage that struggled from the beginning but prisoner to a lonely lifestyle, one lacking that comfort and 'history' with anyone. Release from feeling put-down, abused, insignificant and insufficient. Prisoner to an unsatisfied desire to feel "good enough", important and special. Release from a lifestyle where I felt I had no choice, no way to progress. Prisoner of a desk, a cage set too far away from my babies, my two reasons for everything I am and have and want to be...

If there has been one important thing I've learned from my entire life, I could sum it up with this: Life is about choices. Every moment of every day we choose how it turns out.

I like to think that I'm a strong person. I'm not. But I have moments when I choose to be strong, to feel strength, to feel in control. I think, if more of us would step back from everything, we would realize the empowering revelation it is to see that every.single.moment. is up to us. Up to me. It doesn't feel like it. And usually, I don't want it to be up to me. I want someone else making the tough decisions, the tough choices, carving the tough paths through the brambles of life....but there's only me.

Luckily, I have One teammate. And One coach. One cheerleader. One fan I can count on, encouraging me from the sidelines...He's all of those things to me, even when my hands are over my ears, barelling my head through the bushes, falling, desperate to break through, screaming to myself "i can do it, i CAN do it"-even then, when the last thing I want to admit, or even think--when I know i CAN'T do it-He is there. Cheering, applauding, reminding me to "GET UP", dragging me with him...

I want to win, I want to break through...but I alone...well, I can't. And it's okay.

Spring is Springing!

Speaking of Spring! Yesterday was the first day we've actually been able to play at the park in my apartments. It was a beautiful day and someone was having a barbeque at the covered picnic area, which i thought was pretty cool. I had drawn on the kids faces earlier that morning, a Superman symbol for Jack and a Rainbow for Ro, w/a heart on her nose. She was feeling under the weather, and just laid on the bench with T. It's not like her, but at least she was out in the sun. Jack commandeered a ball and kicked it around with me-I think he's got some good soccer potential, I was amazed at how well he followed the ball around! And why is it that pea gravel always inspires throwing in kids???

Away from Spring

Bleak and chill the drops of ice sway, bending black branches below the falling sun and firey cold. The winter wind loses grip on unleashed fury and the ever-changing sun sets. Transformation begins, violent, encompassing flames of days rebirth, the loving sounds of glistening flora and open, breathing buds. Life returns, lashing fields of ochre with celadon sprays, graceful trees, shivering beneath blossoms heavy-laden. A truth renewed, reborn with Natures wooly cap shorn anew. Glistening strands and silken streams rejoice. The laughter rings across a meadow, at once melancholy, dark and chivalrous, Cold bows. Trailing dewy webs and sweetened, heady blooms, a Season reclaims her throne.

My therapist asked me what kinds of things I do to nurture myself, things just for me..... I couldn't think of them-what makes me happy? Well, i mean, first I said my kids but she said she wanted to know what kinds of things, activities, etc-aside from being a mom, make me feel loved, nurtured, cared for, etc. Well, so the difficulty I have is defining "happy". like, shopping makes me happy. but is that superficial? eating makes me happy. but is that healthy? sleeping makes me happy. but is that normal?

Movies Schmovies

Sometimes I'm embarassed to admit which movies I love, are like, top faves and all-but really? We all have our guilty pleasures, our little embarassing skeletons....so here they go-in not a whole lot of order, they're bound to be dorky and inconceivable to anyone else but whatevs yo, that's how i roll!

Okay so does anyone else (yes i know i'm talking to no one) have a crush on the movie StepBrothers? It's like my favorite movie ever even though it's completely stupid and says a lot of F words-just thinking about it makes me smile, so it's like a bright little ray of sunshine in my day to think "you have to call me Dragon".
So a sentimental favorite is Dumb & Dumber, and so far i've only ever met one girl who likes it as much as i do. Guys like it, which kinda isn't a compliment, lol.
Nacho Libre--come ON-Jack Black, Mexican Accent and Tight Pants??!? How can anyone not like that movie?
Phantom of the Opera-okay Emmy Rossum is kinda annoying, but she does alright and Raoul?! Hotness!
Oh Brother Where Art Thou? LOVE IT-George Clooney was never attractive to me until he did that, the acting is fabulous as well as the story
Okay here come the musicals-Hairspray, Sound of Music, Singin in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, My Fair Lady, ummmmm there are others but i can't think of them
Cinderella-i dont know why but I think it's because of the songs and it was one of Rosie's first favorite movies
Selena-it's like, my soundtrack lol
Napoleon Dynamite-"this is pretty much the worst movie ever made"

okay i can't think of the other ones because people are in my office bugging me. peace out.

Tears In Heaven

"Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand, if I saw you in heaven?"

What to say right now? My life has been a tumultuous ride the last few months. I'm pretty sure that yesterday I lost my best friend of 17 years. Over poop. Long story, but I guess I just didn't see my life turning out this way-well i shouldn't say "turning out", i'm young, in 50 years I'll be saying the same tho! :)
Well, so let's see--Rosie sniffed my hair the other day and said "your hair smells like.... spiderwebs!".... funny kid. Jack has been running around in his "cowbee boots" like, all day/night-it's the quintessential lil boy look-cowboy boots, diaper and superman shirt-if he could find the cape it would include that, so far he's had to make do with his pastel baby blanket for a cape. Priceless.
I am SO ready for spring. I was thinking i was ready for summer, but i've gotta lose like, at least 30lbs--fall and winter are much kinder to me, wardrobe wise, lol.

Valentines Schmalentines

So, if you consider Vday a person, i've had one of those-but if you consider it like, a holiday or special occasion, i've really not had one so far. My bday falls so close that it kinda gets lumped together, which is funny because it's not THAT close. Anyway. Life is difficult right now. Anytime I get close to my period, i start to feel unbelievable pressure and fear of the unknown. Things start to look bleak and i lose perspective. It's amazing how real those emotions can feel, how real they are at times and then the difference a week makes, lol!
Funny stuff from this week: I took jacks socks off and he mumbled something about having "tuff in feet" (fuzzies from black socks, he's such a clean freak!), so i started cleaning them out and he protested! He said "no clean out mama, keep feet warm"!!! So cute.
Rosie draws all the time-lately she's really into skeletons, so now, anything we draw is a person, and then a skeleton inside of them-thanks SchoolHouse Rock! Actually, I'm really curious what other 4 yr olds draw, she's always surprising me with stuff she comes up with-yesterday there was a fridge with a bunch of food, a tomato and a kid standing in front of it, all of it i recognized immediately, but i didn't really think that was something a kid would draw-lo and behold, that's what it was!
Some new things, Jack is far less cuddly than he was a month ago :( He's getting to that rough-house, stinkery boy age. It makes me sad because i miss my little love-he was the sweetest, most gentle and huggy kid and now he follows me around saying "I TACKLE you!", etc. Rosie has started being incredibly defiant, ALL the time. It's maddening, she'll either ignore me, or whip her head around and say "WHAT!!!!" in a SNOTTY way, i swear she's like 15! Not sure yet how to solve that, because then i snap back at her and say "Don't you talk to me like that, you speak kindly to mama!!" and no, i don't say that in a kind way, lol. I did have an interesting conversation this week which really resonated with me--"Nothing destroys a child more than hypocrisy". Think about it.

Growing Pains

So last night, I got a call from Ro-she wanted to tell me her idea, which was "for me and daddy and you and jack to all go to the 'fittier' together"(movie theater). Well, apparently she had called earlier and i didn't get the voice mail she left until later that night. When i heard it, almost everything inside me wanted to take away the last 6 months, to go back to my marriage and home and the way our life was before. It was her little 4 year old voice, prompted by her dad, calling to tell me goodnight... except that she started to cry. i could hear her little sobs and sniffles, while she tried to stutter through what he was trying to tell her to say-just listening to that, hearing her go from calling to say goodnight to saying "mommy, please when you get this will you just call me because i'm really sad and would you bring me a flower in the morning?" It was the most heartbreaking thing I've heard since.... well since two weeks ago, when she started crying in bed, while we were snuggled up to go to sleep for the night. I've been letter her sleep w/me at least once a night and it was one of the hardest things to watch, her little body shaking and real, grown-up tears flowing from my babys' eyes.
Like I said, it's all i can do to stop everything and just make it all better for her. As a mother, I'd rather it be better for her than myself.

Blog Schmog

alRIGHT! Fine!! I'll blog. It won't make sense. It probably won't be super duper exciting, but i'm climbing on the bandwagon. Since I don't respond to emails too often, and I'm really bad at returning phone calls or texts, i'm just gonna forward all of this to everyone i know and refer them here if they have questions about our existence. :)